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It’s hanging onto that thought of, “Well, they really messed up. I don’t know if I can forgive them.” But then there is another half that says, “You know.. I messed up too. Maybe worse than they did.” Forgiving is hard to do, that is no joke. Especially when you know that you made just as many mistakes whether they are worse or not. When you truly love someone you forgive them. Maybe you mess up in the process because part of you just wants to forget when the other part is saying that you need them, that you love them, that you should be with them. That’s where I was stuck, stuck in the cross hairs between forgiveness and deception. I wanted to believe what everyone said. “He’s not good for you.” They said. “You can do much better.” They said. But what they say doesn’t change how I fully feel. It might alter my perception on reality. Deep inside I know what I want and how I feel. I needed to fix this before it got worse. Slaying each other with hurtful words. Sorry wasn’t enough at that point. It soon became enough when I saw your face and realized what we had both done. You, lied. I, lied. We betrayed each other and yet we were at each others’ throats like one was better than another. Apart of that is my fault. I just wanted to forget. I just wanted to move on. I didn’t want to be the girl to forgive and forgive and forgive only to be betrayed again. And, not only that but I love you. I never thought something like this could happen. I wasn’t looking at it from your side. I was looking at it through a one way mirror and only seeing myself. After realizing that I was wrong, I was able to see both sides of the mirror. Yours and mine. We are supposed to be together. I don’t know what the future holds. And I don’t know what’s going to happen with court. All I know is I want to be by your side this time. I’m not going anywhere this time. I should have never left in the first place. I don’t know what I was thinking. My mind was clouded by the judgement of others and in that moment my eyes could not see and my tongue did not produce words. I was just spitting out the thoughts of others. I didn’t want to think for myself. I just wanted to forget. I wanted to be numb to the pain and forget about the hurt, I didn’t want to go back. I have been hurt so many times before. When I hurt, I hurt others. No matter what the cost. No matter how much it hurts them. It’s always my goal to hurt them more than they hurt me. Not only is that wrong of me, but it’s selfish. I should be the one trying to forgive and move on and stand by that person and I wasn’t.
~~~~~Unfinished~~~~~~